I Am A Work In Progress

On Saturday I guest posted at Untypically Jia. About my self esteem...or lack there of.  Why is it so much easier to be honest on some one else's blog. It was a very scary thing to send out into the world. I wrote it and as I wrote it the words just flowed. It made me realize that I obviously suffer from abandonment disorder since so many adults in my life just weren't there for me, especially when I needed them. My poor husband gets to clean up the mess that is me. But he does it cheerfully, because he loves me and has always been there for me when I needed him. Always. 

So please go read it. Try not to judge to harshly, instead give me virtual hugs. That would be better. And if you feel like being honest about your self esteem contact Jia because she wants to hear all about it.

Because I Wanted You to See

For some reason Facebook is being a jerk and won't let me upload this and I wanted to share it. It's the picture my husband and I took when he proposed to me on my birthday, in the place we met. Isn't he amazing?

Does anyone else have any pictures they want to share?

Really, very good advice.

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Food For Thought

 I thought this was funny, the hubs may not agree.

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Free printable valentines. Start handing them out today. 

How To Use Twitter. Invaluable advice.

felt like this needed a little color.

This looks very cool, in an uber nerdy way.

Please, add your voice to all the other prayers.

Clean baby smell? Oh yes please.

It's short and sweet today. Hope you have a fantastic weekend!

Do you guys have any good links?

Things I Love Thursday

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planning Bliss's birthday party ♥ Bliss's first birthday ♥ cleaning ♥ lovins from my hubs ♥ Sweet Pea getting excited over new shoes ♥ Peanut kicking ass at math ♥ Grey's Anatomy on streaming ♥ Bliss having a rat tail ♥ Healthy eating ♥ Catching up with old friends ♥ Compliments ♥ Guest posts ♥ comments ♥ having 169 followers because I am a 12 yr old boy ♥ of course, you guys ♥

What do you guys love this week?

A Blissful Day

Today is Bliss's first birthday. Happy Birthday Fatty McGee.  We love you and are so glad that you "surprised" us.

in mommy's tummy. Already metal, fist pumping. 

right after she came home. Grumpy sleeping.

6 months. Mommy did my hair. 

Cruising on the coffee table. 

Getting lovings from Mommy.

I love Birthdays! What about you?

Dubbed the Terrible Tattoo

I'd like you guys to meet Megan. She looks like a really nice lady right? Not someone who would manipulate a poor unsuspecting tattoo artist to break the law! You obviously have to watch this one. Closely. She also blogs at My Flick Four and she's a mommy. A rebel, blogger and mommy. Sounds like a good combo to me. But still...watch for the sneaky. 

Hi there! Many months ago (far longer than I care to admit, because I'm either a giant slacker or have the memory of a… I don’t know- something with no memory)  Anastasia was kind enough to invite me to guest post about my terrible tattoo. Um, I think it was actually just about my tattoo in general- but since its bad, I have dubbed it my terrible tattoo.

I got the tat back when I was 17. I was in San Diego visiting my cousin and we decided it would be fun to go get our first tattoos together. So off we went to try and con some tattoo artist into doing some ink on a not yet 18 year old. It didn’t take long to find some sucker nice guy who bought into our plea about my birthday only being a few weeks away (which it was) and how my mom said it was fine (which she didn’t).  I knew from the beginning that I wanted it to be a horse design. I had been riding and training horses since I was 4 and it was a huge part of my life growing up. At that point in time- it really represented me. Pretty much all of my spare time was spent at the barn. So yeah- the tattoo idea was pretty much a no brainer. However- once I started talking to the sucker artist- I should have realized it was a bad idea.

I start telling the guy what I wanted and he says he doesn’t know how to draw a horse. So he gets out a book about drawing animals for us to look through. I find one of a jumping horse and then tell him how I want it changed a bit. He drew it up (traced it out of the book) and fixed the stuff I asked until I was satisfied. Then we get to work… I ended up getting only the outline of the jumping horse. Although I had known exactly what I wanted- I didn’t have any idea how I wanted it executed. I had him put it on my lower back, off to one side. Mostly so I could cover it up. (i.e.- hide it from my mom). 

About a year later I had another artist work on it. He added a shadow under it and a bit of color. Because I wasn’t happy with the original outline, I was hesitant about doing anything more to it, for fear I wouldn’t like that either. And I didn’t. I still don’t, in fact. I have toyed with the idea of getting it covered with something else, but I haven’t for a couple reasons. One- the shadow underneath is dark and icky and would be hard to cover. But the biggest reason I haven’t done it is because the horse really represents me, or the younger me anyway. It wasn’t some random flower or cartoon character that I liked- I chose it because horses, especially my horse, were such a HUGE influence on my life. Even though I’m not riding at this point- it’s still me. I know it’s something I will return to, and it is something that really helped make me who I am. So despite my disappointment with the actual tattoo (and my poor planning)- the meaning behind makes it something that I cherish.

I've talked before about how tattoos mean something, even if you don't like it now it reminds you of a place and time and where you were when you made that decision. And I totally love that Megan is embracing that. Because she rocks my socks off.  Go check her out and follow her. 

I would love to feature you if you'd like to tell us about your tattoo. Let me know!

Mah Diabeetus Story

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I got the bad news when I was pregnant with my first child. At the time it didn't worry me that much. My husband already had type 2 diabetes, so it wasn't any new information and it was gestational. It would go away after I had the baby. It was something new and it was kind of nice to get even more special attention then the regular pregnancy kind. 

My OB was pretty terrible. He never suggested I see a specialist. He tried to regulate my insulin himself. And would berate me and talk to me like I was stupid.  I absolutely hated going to the appointments.

I educated myself on what a carb was and how much I could eat. When I should eat...etc. Although growing up as a Fat Kid and being very familar with many different diets. I was already pretty aware of label reading and counting things, carbs, calories, fat. 

Like I said, it was just a new thing to learn about it and experience. It wasn't a burden or anything. I was on medicaid so my medicine was free. My husband was helping me with the transition. And it was  nice to have this thing in common. Like a weird diabetes love story? When I tell people that we both have type 2, I wonder if they think we met because of it. Or they think that we're giant fatties and that's why we both have it.

And I'd like to say that after I had Sweet pea and the diabetes still didn't go away that I worried more. But I didn't. I don't think I really felt the burden of it until recently.  It's not that I didn't know what the consuqeunces of not taking it seriously were.  To be fair, I had a premie in the NICCU and that kind of drove everything else out of my mind.

I don't regret feeling that way. I kind of wish I could go back to feeling like it was no big deal. Maybe take my care more seriously, but worry less. 

My husband helps. I feel like he and I can tackle anything. We always say "Providence will provide" and it does, but only when we're together. 

I will attempt to handle the disease with grace (in a purely intellectual; sense, I've lost hope of any kind of physical; grace)  and good humor. But sometimes a girl just has to rant, or cry, or punch somebody in the head. Hopefully you'll stick with me either way.

Do you guys have a diabeetus story? Do you think Wilford Brimley should learn how to pronounce diabetes?

I couldn't help myself

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This is a meme I've been seeing on tumblr when I search for diabetes. Not a whole lot of cute diabetic pictures, hence the cup of sugar picture. Someone on tumblr had the idea to make t-shirts about having a retarded pancreas. And I was like...YES! please. And since I am incredibly self absorbed, I love taking surveys. Oh yeah I was that girl on myspace.  And I am procrastinating any actual writing.

Name:Anastasia

Age:28 (it always takes me a minute to remember. sigh)

How old were you when you were diagnosed? 23

How did you found out you had diabetes? I drank the grody sugar drink when I was pregnant and the next day started feeling like crap so I called my doctor (his complete un amazeballs-ness needs a whole post) was like...oh hey you need to come in right now. They hadn't checked my results until just then and my BS was almost 500.

Genetics or other reason? No one in my family has it. Except my hubs.

Worst thing about having diabetes? Having to over think everything that goes in my mouth and the cost.

Best thing about having diabetes? ummmm? This is a stupid fucking question.

How many other diabetics you know?My husband and one of his old co-workers who would drink rum and eat whole quarts of fudge. Nope she's not dead yet.

Most annoying/ignorant thing someone has said to you about diabetes? People don't get how serious it can be and act like you are trying to use it as an excuse. Or that it's my fault since it's type 2.

Your last hb1ac?12 *cringe*

Highest sugars you’ve ever had?almost 500 in the hospital.

Lowest sugar? I had one in the 20's once. My doctor was amazed that I hadn't passed out.

How long you were in hospital after you were diagnosed? A week. I was so sure I was going to lose my job.

Ever been to diabetes camp? hehe. No, I don't fit in the bunks.

Pump/shots/pen? Which do you prefer?I've never had a pump. And the concept of needing one scares the bejuses out of me. Shots are cool in the visual since. They look menacing and horror movie like. But pen's are super easy and I can keep one in my purse.

Biggest worry?Blindness, amputation. Since there aren't a lot of studies on genetics when it comes to type 2, (because it's our fault because we are fatties) I worry that my girls will have it.

Best use of diabetes as an excuse to get out of something?I've used a low sugar as an excuse for being late to work. shhh.

If there were a cure, would you get it? Who wrote this? Seriously. No I would love to keep diabetes. Jesus.


Do you guys like surveys? I know you do!

A teardrop on the cheek of time

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Today in 1699 Mughal Emperor Shah Jahan died.  You may not know his name, but you do know the legacy he left behind. Stricken with grief when his wife died during childbirth, he commissioned the world's most famous shrine, the Taj Majal.

They used 10,000 elephants and it took them 22 years. Can you imagine? No cranes, no machines. Elephants and men, using pulley systems in the heat, surrounded by dust.  Legend claims that to make sure there was no other building like it ever, the emperor had the thumbs cut off of all 20,000  workers and artisans. Obviously there is no proof, but there still hasn't been anything like it since. It is one of the wonders of the world.  It fell into disrepair over the centuries until the British government ordered a remodeling and added the gardens surrounding it. 

It's been called an eternal symbol of love. I'm sure it's a tourist trap and over crowded now. But I'd still love to go there and just stand there in awe of it's intense history and beauty.  

I know we aren't all emperors who can order slaves to build a giant mausoleum. But we can still show our loved ones how much we love them today. 

My husband is my best friend, and I can not live without him. Believe me I've tried. I just fall apart and stop functioning. I cannot fathom how he puts up with me and still loves me. I'm incredibly irritating. But he seems to find it endearing. Luckily for me. 

What kind of temple can you build? Literally or Metaphorically.

Things I Love Thursday

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The books that the world calls immoral are the books that show the world its own shame.

— Oscar Wilde

♥ Mi familia ♥ having a job ♥ excersicing ♥ being fearless ♥ being honest ♥ giant pink head dress ♥ my new planner ♥ food, man I love food ♥ making girls smile ♥ dancing ♥ making my husband laugh ♥ new ideas ♥ new followers ♥ newness ♥ being less sick ♥ my new planner, it's small and pink ♥ making lists of books to read ♥ books ♥ feedback ♥ baking ♥ cooking ♥ you guys ♥ fun socks ♥ almost time for me to go home ♥

What do you guys ♥ this week?

Taking the time.

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I am not a religious person. But I am a spiritual person And I have great faith in the power of prayer/mediation/chants/good vibes. Whatever you want to call it.  I believe in the power of it for those you are praying for, and for yourself. 

Take a moment today to send out your prayers (or whatever) to someone who needs it, even a faceless nameless person in another country.

Let's Do This Biggest Loser Style

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have you ever looked up the tag fat on weheartit? People are fucking rude!

I've been talking about fear the past couple of days. Mostly how if it scares me I should just go ahead and do it. Because it scares me. Well, guys it scares the bejesus out of me to show you these pictures. But it's time I face the reality and do something about it. I am fat. And being fat is not so much a problem, as the unhealthiness that comes with it. And the general feeling of pooh that comes with the unhealthiness.  So I am taking a hard unflinching look at myself in hopes that I will be "Scared straight."  (said as I lick chocolate off of my fat fingers)

I asked my husband to take some Biggest Loser style pictures of me. When I told him they were for the blog he said "You know that's forever right? You can't take it back*." I assured him that was precisely why I was doing it.

*hubs thinks I'm beautiful and tells me so all the time. He was more concerned that my feelings  might get hurt by Internet meanies. But there are none of those here. Right? RIGHT!?

So without further ado, me in all my pasty glory. I don't have a giant scale that beeps ominously and varies between 30 different numbers before settling on one. Or dramatic swelling music. Sorry.

I am wearing my serious mickey mouse exercise pants. obviously. 

Sometimes I think I have reverse anorexia. I don't think I look that fat. But I do. And I am. Also the bruises on my belly are from insulin injections four times a day. 

We got a new scale and I don't like it, because it works. It says I weigh 200lbs. The old one said 195 damn it. Stupid working scale. I have started Jillian's 30 Day Shred. I am considering doing before and after pictures. Maybe once a month? Or every two weeks? I don't know. I'll see how brave I am. (or how much progress I've made.) My goal is to have one of those weight loss ad pictures with the giant pants. Wish me luck guys. 

Anybody want to join me, Biggest Loser style?

Courage

When I think of Martin Luther King Jr. and more specifically the civil rights movement the thing that comes to mind is courage.  Dr. King was not a super hero. He was an every day man. But a hero none the less. His been called the father of the civil rights movement, and he was a father of religion. I think where his conviction came from was his role as an actual father. He fought for equality, not necessarily for himself, or his generation, but for his children. He wanted them to have a better life and know a better world then he did. So he sacrificed for it, being beaten, arrested, ridiculed and eventually murdered.

I wonder at the bravery of the people marching and picketing. Knowing that they may get hurt physically and most definitely hurt spiritually and morally. I hold my breath when I think of those nine black students being the first ones to walk into an all white school. How scared were they? They had to call in police and troops to protect them.  But in the footage they walk tall and proud.  How much pressure must it have been to be the first?

I always feel a well of pride when I see the old footage of movement. These people were fighting back to make our world better. They had no idea that they were everyday heroes. All they did was sit at a counter, in the front of a bus, in front of a voting station. Did they realize what an impact they would have?  It may sound odd since I'm white that I have so much pride. But the civil rights movement is a piece of all of us. If we discriminate against any one race, gender or sexual orientation, we are not doing our job as human beings. It doesn't matter who you are.

So try and remember what they fought for and what we are still fighting for. We shouldn't have one day a year to remember, it should be every single day. Bigotry and hatred still exist, and is acceptable to some people. So until that ends the civil rights movement is not over.

all pictures from weheartit

Take today (since you're not at work) and try and be an everyday hero. Even the little things count.

Speaking of Fearless

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Yesterday I talked about being a fearful little Piglet. Today I talk about what I am doing about it. 

When something scares me. Like when I don't want to do something, for fear of judgment.  My stomach gets tight and my tummy hurts.  And I make an excuse. I'm too tired, I can't do it because I have to stay home with the baby. Blah blah blah. I hate feeling like this. I'm limiting myself, when I could be doing so much. And is this the kind of example I want my girls to have? To be fearful of living life? Of course not. 

My New Year's Resolution was to be less hard on myself. And I feel like part of that is to work on being fearless. I've already started on it. Just little things, like wearing new clothes, or baking things for other people. When I start to feel that stone in the pit of my stomach. I stop and acknowledge. Okay I am scared. So what? And I do it anyway. In fact I do it because I am scared to. If I have a choice and one option is scarier then the other. I'm going with the scarier one. It's very liberating. It leaves me free to concentrate on kicking ass, instead of freaking out over whether people will think I kicked ass. And every time I feel the fear rise up, it just reinforces my resolve to conquer it. It's a relief not to have to go back and forth. 

There is no try. Just do. 

I'm like Yoda and shit. 

How do you squash your fears? And does it work?

Oh b-b-bother

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One of my favorite books is The House on Pooh Corner. I always really loved Eeyore. I can cloud watch any day. Another of my favorite books is The Tao Of Pooh. It's a fantastic way to explain the philosophy of Tao. 

The author Benjamin Hoff, points out that Pooh is the epitome of Tao. He lets life flow by, doesn't get to concerned about it. If there's honey, then awesome. If there's not, that's awesome too.  Sadly Eeyore is an example of people you want to avoid. Always negative. And Tigger is one too. Hyper and too meddlesome. Piglet is the next best thing. But Piglet has his flaws. He's scared of everything, over analyzes and makes stuff up to seem bigger and better then he really is. 

But don't judge Piglet too harshly. I am a Piglet. Occasionally I am a Pooh. But for the most part, a Piglet.  I worry and over analyze things. Sometimes I have to use my imagination to make myself seem bigger to get through some situations. And I am fearful. I am very fearful. I am scared of so many things. I am scared of failure, of being laughed at. I get paralyzing shy in new situations. I have to know what the agenda is, who will be there and where all the exits are. I am scared I will scar my children and raise them wrong. I'm scared that I am not a good wife or friend.  I know I can't control all these things. All I can do is be the best parent, friend, wife I can be. To be aware of myself and try really hard not to screw up. 

I'd like to know what you're scared of? And what you do about it?

Food For Thought

 I want one of these, for my four year old. Okay fine...for me. 

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Husband surprised me with a new CD and this is my new favorite song.

This made me laugh out loud. lol if you will.

You are the bread and the knife. I love this.

I know this one is old, but I could totally see this happening to me.

I really want to get one of these and insist that we got a new dog and watch the girls go crazy.

In less then 10 years you or your spouse will have diabetes. Scary shit.

This is how Hubs and I would do engagement photos, if we were the type of people who did engagement photos.

This is no LOL Cat.

Pictures of I-35 before it was the parking lot it is today. Here as East Ave and here on the ground breaking ceremony. Love old pictures like this.

The unicorn code is where it's at.

Do you have any good links?

Things I Love Thursday-It's been a while.

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♥having the doctor say my heart was fine♥hubs♥hubs bringing me surprise presents♥Bliss cruising around♥Peanut being a great big sister♥Sweet Pea kicking ass on her report card♥Eating babaganous and hummus and dolmas. nom nom♥meeting new people with a sense of humor♥being fearless♥discovering a new place that makes their own bread♥you fine people♥laughing, instead of getting frustrated♥figuring out how to add hearts using alt+3♥♥♥

one thing that I don't love. I lost my day planner. So I have to start over again now. It's mildly embarrassing to know someone is thumbing though it and wondering what the hell I'm talking about. But oh well, maybe I will come up with new and better content. 

What do you guys love today?

Sometimes You Just Have to Work

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I have had jobs that I love and looked forward to being there. I've also had jobs that kill my soul and make me cringe at the thought of being there. The job I have now is okay. I like the job itself. Some of the bureaucracy that goes with it drives me crazy. But that happens at most jobs. 

I read all these amazing articles about quitting your job and still making money.  I would love to do that. Quit my job and be home with my babies. Be a baker who makes my own hours and helps people with their food allergies.  And I acknowledge that part of my hesitation is fear. Fear of failure. I know that.

But my main reason for staying at a just okay job is for my kids. Not necessarily for monetary reasons, because I believe kids need love and attention more then they need the newest toys. But besides love and attention, what my kids really need is:

a roof over their head

food

clothing

medical care. 

Taking a look at this, the first three wouldn't kill us. We've lived off of one paycheck and hopefully I would be successful and eventually we would be independently wealthy. Or at least not live paycheck to paycheck.  So the first three we could handle. 

It's the last one that kills me. The reason why I don't quit this job is mostly because I have insurance for my kids. Albeit it is 1/4 of my paycheck and it doesn't cover everything.  But it's a hell of a lot better then paying full price for medical care, or having to go to the ER because a doctor won't see us without insurance. 

We could just pay those bills, true. But we can't afford to do that now with two jobs! We sl are still paying off my c-section and Bliss's NNICU stay and that's with insurance. 

We could pay for private insurance. But again the price is way out of our budgets with two paychecks and they won't accept Hubs and I because of our type 2 diabetes. Or if they do we have to pay double what someone else would.

I can put the kids on CHIPS, and wait until 2014 and get government health care for us. I could. But I don't feel comfortable relying on the government if I don't have to.  I feel like those resources are there for people who truly need them and don't want to take advantage of them. Also we've been on CHIPs, and it's incredibly frustrating, They stopped Sweet Pea's insurance for no apparent reason while she was in the NNICU.  That's 4,000 a day people. They said they would fix it and call me back. It's been four years. Still no call. 

I'm not saying that as a parent you should have to throw your dreams aside. But when you have kids, they come first. And for me, my biggest dream now is that they grow up happy, healthy and knowing that they are loved. (and all the other stuff in between.) Maybe my other dreams will just be delayed. Or someone will come along and want to pay me thousands of dollars to bake and also offer me insurance for my whole family.  It could happen. But until then I will keep my eyes peeled for any opportunities. 

I feel like this sounds like a whiny post. That's not my intention, it's just something I've been struggling with and I would love your feedback. 

Have you struggled with this? What did you do?

Just Be Careful

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It's 1/11/11

Make a wish.

Mommy issues

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I haven't seen my mother in over eleven years. The last time that I saw her she physically attacked me. I've written about her before. My Dad got custody because she od'ed. My little sister and I found her the next morning. 6 and 3 years old. 

My mom is an alcoholic.  I have a goal as a mom to be a better mother then mine was. I joke about how if I don't pass out on the floor drunk then I'm already kicking ass comparatively.  I guess it's not that funny.  

My very first memory is of her pregnant with my little sister. I remember touching her belly.  We use to spend time in bars. We'd beg quarters off of the other drunks and dance to the jukebox until we got tired. Then we would push chairs together and go to sleep. This was completely normal.  One of Mama's local hang outs was a bar that didn't allow anyone under 18. A friend of ours pointed that out as we headed towards it. Katie and I laughed. Our mom put their kids through college. We could go in.

After my Dad got custody I saw my mom sometimes. She would come for her scheduled visits erratically. I would be so excited to see her and my little sister. But more often then not I would sit at the window waiting for her little blue car to pull in the driveway.  She would tell me that she was going to come get me and we were going to Disneyland. You can imagine how excited my little girl heart got.  Just for her not to show up. She never called and always acted like nothing had happened the next time I saw her. I remember one time very vividly. For Thanksgiving my family always spends the week in the house my grandfather grew up in. A family reunion of sorts, full of traditions including home made fudge night. (the best tradition in my opinion) One year my mom insisted that she was coming to get me for Thanksgiving. My step mom and my Dad cautioned me pointing out that if I stayed and she didn't come I would miss Thanksgiving. I was sure she was coming. So I waited. Kneeling on a chair at the window. And nothing. She never came. 

As I got older I obviously stopped believing her. If she came, she came. I never got my hopes up. I liked spending summers with her because my sister and I got up to lots of trouble when she wasn't paying attention. Which was always.  

She was one of those people who could make you feel super awesome and fun. Then the next day for no apparent reason she would snap at you like a wounded dog. She was manipulative and a liar. She was unbelievably smart. She was a chemical engineer, for goodness sake.

I'm not sure why. Maybe because I wanted to know if she was even still alive, I googled her. I tried all the names I knew. Even tried different spellings. And all I could find were arrest records. Extortion, domestic violence, DUI, etc.  And one news story, she almost burned her own house down in a drunken stupor and had to be pulled out by a neighbor.  I also came across a mug shot. Her face filled my computer screen. Red and swollen, dressed in orange.  It was strange to see her after all this time. Everyone says we look alike, and we do. But I hate hearing it. 

I didn't find any record of death. So she's out there somewhere. 

She doesn't even know I have kids. Sometimes I wonder how she could not have wanted to see me. If I lost custody of my kids, I would take every single opportunity to see them and hold them and re-assure them that I was there and loved them. I wonder if she ever thinks about me and if she has any regrets. I came to understand  that my mother believes her lies and lives in her own little world.

I don't have any anger towards her. People always expect me to be weepy or mad. I don't understand her. But I've moved past anger or sadness. I don't even think of her as a parent.  Unconsciously I chose to make my past a source of strength, not to use it as an excuse or to let it break me.  It made me who I am today. The strength, as well as any issues I struggle with. 

I had a crappy childhood. So what. The point is to make sure my girls don't have one. 

What kind of relationship do you have with your mom?

Imagine You're a Princess

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So you want to be a princess/fashionista/playgirl/social networking aficionado? These are all very noble goals and completely attainable. All you have to do is remember one thing. 

"Act As if...."

Just own it. Act like what you want people to think you are. Another way to put it 

fake it until you make it. 

You want to be a princess? Slap on that tiara and wear it everywhere. When people look at you oddly, stare them boldly in the eye and say "That's Princess Awesomepants to you."  

Confidence will get you everywhere and how the hell do they know you're not really a princess? They don't. They also don't know that you have no idea what your talking about if you just "act as if."

You can be whatever the hell you want to be and you can fool people around you too. 

In theatre they teach you that the audience won't know you forgot a line, a cue, or your costume, if you just keep going. 

"My costume does consist of just a hat and fake mustache. It's an avant-garde version of Our Town. It symbolizes the nakedness of the human emotion. And what? You're obviously not smart enough to get it"

They don't know that wardrobe is in the wings holding your pants and quietly freaking out.

I'm not advocating lying. Of course not. But I am advocating bullshitting.  Like on your resume when you put "Manager of Safety and Licensing Compliance" when you meant "cleans the bathrooms and makes sure the wet floor signs are up."   Just like that.

Don't ever let the words, "I'm not good enough/smart enough/skinny enough to....." Ever.

Even if you don't think you are. Act as if.  Take a deep breathe, re-adjust your tiara and jump in.

Are there any times where you had to pretend and it worked?

My Imaginary Friend Leonard

I read A Million Little Pieces by James Frey and I liked it. I devoured it. Despite the controversy that a lot of it was made up. It was made up to make James Frey look like a hardcore badass. But really it turns out that he's just another entitled rich white kid with too much time on his hands and too much money so he does too many drugs then ends up in rehab.  Then writes a best selling "memoir" that turns out to be held together by lies and covered up by the convenient death of the majority of the characters. No one to collaborate. Yes in spite of all of this I enjoyed the story although it did make me think of Frey as kind of a pathetic douche.  

So when I got an Amazon birthday gift card I eagerly ordered his second "memoir", My Friend Leonard. It's the continuation of his life story. Emphasis on story. It starts with him nearing the end of his three month jail sentence.*

His girlfriend that he met in rehab kills herself before he can get to her. The rest of the story is him trying to stay clean and "hold on."  Leonard, the friend he made in rehab, features predominately. He unofficially adopts Frey as his son and becomes his benefactor. Leonard is part of organized crime, so he has large amounts of money that he throws around, mostly at Frey. Frey talks about all the beautiful woman who love him.  He talks about  impromptu trips, meals, and huge parties all funded by Leonard. Everything lavish and expensive of course.  Oh the awesomeness of Frey's awesome awesomeness. 

This book was insipid and made me cringe. It seemed like Frey was just trying to seem like a badass again  who had rich powerful friends and hot chicks. "Hey guys! Look...look at how freaking amazing I am!! Over here! Oi!"  It was the equivalent of the kind of person who gives themselves their own nick name and tries to get it to catch on. 

And it makes it worse that there is no proof that Leonard ever existed. So this fantasy is all the more pathetic and douchey. I was willing to over look the smudges of lies around the edges of A Million Little Pieces because the writing was visceral and intense. But My Friend Leonard is a blatant pack of lies. (To be fair, they haven't proved that he didn't exist so maybe it's all true**) And it has made me lose any respect I had for the author. 

This is an extremely negative review, I won't apologize for it but I will acknowledge it. I have never been so let down by a book or an author. 

*it's been hands down proven that he never spent any time in jail, ever in his life. 

**Frey also can't prove Leonard existed either...nothing at all.

Have you read it? What did you think?

Food For Thought- Again with the short one

 weheartit

I have never heard of this tradition. I had no idea that Christmas was illegal in Russia for a while. Now I know.

 Why Round Up Posts Rock...duh.

You have to read this. It's the Imposter Syndrome and it made me feel so good!

The most adorable commercial ever!

Five Questions For My Kids..made me laugh because it's true.
Ten Rules For Being Human
#341 of 1000 Awesome Things. Hell yes.
Are you hungry? Are your feet cold too? You should loaf around in these!

My First Time....

....making Gnocchi that is. I love eating it and I know it's basically just a potato dumpling, but I've never made it. Until now. And it's suprisingly easy. Seriously you will feel like a culinary rock star and totally impress your friends.  I'm not going to try and sit here and tell you it's super healthy, but with some veggies, olive oil and salt it's not too bad for you and seriously tasty.

gnocchi

[NYOH-kee, NOH-kee]

Italian for "dumplings,

 2 lbs of potatoes
3/4 of teaspoon of salt
1 large egg yolk
1-1 1/4 cup of flour

Stab the potatoes all around with a fork and bake them in a 400 degree oven for 45 minutes to an hour. Once they are soft scoop out the insides, sprinkle with salt and let cool. You have to let it cool because if you add your egg yolk while it's hot you'll have weird scrambled egg baked potato and that's not what we're making here. I used a food proccessor, but you are more then welcome to hand mash them or use a ricer. I "mashed" the potatoes then added the yolk and one cup of flour. Again I used the proccessor but go ahead and get your hands dirty early on.

 mushed is a technical term

Once you've incorporated the ingredients you need to add more flour to roll it out. Mine was very sticky so I had to add more flour then the recipe called for. Be your own judge, you want the dough managebale but not to taste like flour. I just mushed mine out, it was too sticky for a roller.

hi microwave!

Then I used a pizza cutter to cut it into log strips and then cut it into a little less then an inch long piece. This is a preference thing. I used my thumb as a measurement.

  a rare one that actually came out right

Then the fun part. Gnocchi traditionally has ridges on it made by rolling it down the back of a fork. My first couple 20 were a struggle, but by the end I had found a rhytm and had made some that actually looked like gnochhi not just lumps of dough.  Obviously this doesn't make it taste better, so if you want to just cut it and dump it then that's cool too.

mm..boiling phallus shaped food

Drop it in small batches into boiling water, once it floats it's done. Pull it out and place it in a collander and start your new batch.

mmmm beige phallus shaped objects

So I was lazy and normally you would want to add veggies or herbs. Just something wiht color. No one wants to eat an all beige meal. I dressed mine with just olive oil and salt and it was nom nom. Even Bliss liked it. Once it was cool I let her chow down.

I know it seems like a lot of work, but the great thing about it is you can make a lot and save it. You can freeze it in single layers then put it in baggies, good for three months (!) or you can put it in a bag with some olive oil (so they don't turn into one lump of potatoey goodness) and put it into the fridge, good for two days.

But my absolute favorite thing about Gnocchi is that you can add whatever you want to it. Next time I'm thinking rosemary and serve it with chicken. Also you can dress it any sauce you like. A butter chive sauce would rock my world. Okay hungry now. Damn it.

Makes about 6 servings.  197 calories; 1 g fat (0 g sat, 0 g mono); 35 mg cholesterol; 43 g carbohydrates; 6 g protein; 3 g fiber; 292 mg sodium; 659 mg potassium.


 What have you guys made lately?