Today I yelled at Sweet Pea. She was arguing with me about something stupid and I just lost it. I got right in her face and yelled. No, I screamed at her. Then she ran away crying. I felt like an ogre. My heart sank and I realized that I had scared my tiny little girl over a cup. I had lost my temper and took it out on her.
I went and apologized to her. I started to cry while I was hugging her. I felt awful This is not the first time that I have yelled at her, that I have over reacted. I don't hit her but my outbursts are just as bad. I know better. I know that every time I yell I am breaking a little bit of her trust in me. Her little brain gets confused. Mommy loves me, but mommy yells. Her emotions get wrapped up in being scared and as an adult she thinks that's love. Maybe I'm being melodramatic and over reaching. But the things we do to our children follow them. No matter how small.
I haven't gotten that frustrated with her in a long time. And in my teeniest little defense she's at that age, where she argues with everything, talks back, refuses to listen and throws temper tantrums. Yeah she's five, can you imagine how it will be when she's a teen? Chaos. She's not even a bad kid, she's just testing her individuality and boundaries. And I will miss this. I will miss the why's and the asking a question, just so she can argue the answer. Maybe she'll be a politician?
I need to take a step back. Recognize when I get frustrated and breathe. I say that I want them to look back and remember laughter and love and warm happy memories. And it's my job to ensure that happens. I can only blame myself when her and I don't have a relationship later on in life.
Have you ever feel like the worst person alive?