It is hot in here, but the pillows muffle my sobs. The tears always seem right on the surface. I am so fucking tired of my own weakness. But still there is comfort. It's easier to hear the negativity then fight against it. I shrug weakly. I am a bad mother, a bad wife. I wonder if they would be better off without me? All I contribute is a paycheck. And even that is not enough.
My tears stop. Sleep is tugging at me. I wake up not realizing I had fallen asleep. The running chant continues unabated. You are worthless and bad at this. It lists everything that was not done right today. Making my husband angry and making my daughters cry. I am no good at this. I am no good.
Something feels tired. This is an old script. A script I manage to muffle for longer periods of time, thinking I have buried it completely. Until the smallest thing will bring it up, to repeat. Sinking into it's familiar and comforting presence is just the easiest thing to do. Believing the words, dredging up proof that it is right.
STOP. A voice breaks through my self-pity. You are not worthless, you are not bad. They are not better without you. You are being ridiculous. This voice is less familiar then the negative one. But I remember hearing it faintly. It is so much louder this time. You need a change, it practically bellows. You are not perfect, you never will be. But instead of dwelling on the things you have done wrong. How about changing them? Instead of crying over it. Fix it. Do better. STOP.
I wake up groggy and too early. Instead of laying in bed and letting my heart sink remembering the harsh words. I remind myself. Do better. This is your time to change. I get up and I start the slow unfamiliar process of changing my script. I will never be a perfect mother or wife. But instead of acting like I have no control and that I am just a bad person, I can stop and do better. And I am starting right now.
Have you ever found it easier to give up? What changed your mind and got you started again?