Smile, pumpkin.

I'm creating a reference list: Things that make me happy,  want to bounce up and down and squee. It would be a tragedy to forget these things so I'm recording them for posterity.

1. These guys, obviously.

 I like that Butter Bean is off in her own little world

2. When I know my husband is about to walk through the door after working all day.

our teeth are blue because we let the girls decorate the cookies. Lots of icing.

3. Thunderstorms

4. The smell of a bakery at four in the morning (and specifically the smell of butter and chocolate over a bain marie)

5.  Clean sheets and a giant comforter. 

pictures from weheartit

There are more. Luckily since its my list I can change it and add an addendum whenever the hell I want.

And you? What makes you go squee? I'll try them and see if they should be on my list as well.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I just read in Real Simple (I am a terrible housekeeper, but I love this magazine) that a daily nap is actually good for you. It can improve energy and creativity. I always feel like there's not enough time in the day to nap. If you are a mom you always hear that whole "Nap when the baby naps" thing. But that's the best time to do the laundry, or facebook, or blog! Obviously things that are more important to my mental health. And when I do nap, I always feel a twinge guilty. But no more, I am embracing the afternoon siesta. I mean there are whole cultures that swear by the nap. And here are some inspiring pictures, so you can join me. 

I love when the room is cavelike.

There's always something cozy about mussed sheets. Unless you're in a hotel and you weren't the musser. That's kind of gross

I have always wanted a princessy canopy like this. 

Fairy lights, warm kitty bodies and an iron headboard. No words. 

I worry that the pink might keep me up. What do you think?

pictures from weheartit

Sadly I am writing this from work. So it is basically torture to look at these cozy beds, and know I still have eight hours until I sleep. 

Do you guys nap? Do you enjoy it or feel guilty about it, like a stolen moment?

Because it makes me smile every single time

I hunger for you like a Cannibal

I know that I brag about my husband a lot. But if you met him or were lucky like me and married to him, you'd brag too. So don't judge me. I've also mentioned once or twice that he is an award winning filmmaker. And since he has recently decided to go back to school for his passion. I want you guys to check out a short he made and the reason why we met. (My roommate was the editor.)

It is a 48 hour horror film making competition, Bloodshots. You arrive at a starting point on Friday night are given your genre, a weapon you have to use and a line of dialogue that has to be worked in somehow.  Everyone has to use the same line. And you have to have your movie in by Sunday night.  They do it every year in Austin, and that weekend don't be surprised to run into frazzled sleepless film crews covered in fake blood. But I digress...as usual. So without further ado....

My leaf is all crinkly

I've been feeling pretty blah lately. Anxious, guilty, grumpy, frustrated, tears are always brimming right below the surface and I have no self confidence. I question myself constantly.  It's getting really old. My fantastic husband is probably at his wits end trying to make me feel better and reassure me that I'm awesome. 

And you know what? I am pretty freaking awesome. At least when I stop to think about it, I feel like I am. And my babies love me and forgive me my grumpy moments. So if you're keeping score that's..me, my husband and my girls who agree that I am awesome. 3 out of 3 agree. 

That means it's time for a change. I need work on my insides to get it in a better place. And I'm going to do it here. I'm not saying I won't be occasionally all the things above, because I am flawed (which really only adds to my awesomeness) and snarkiness and sarcasm are in my blood. (Seriously come to Thanksgiving sometime and meet my family, strays are welcome.)  But I want the glitter and moonwalking to outweigh it. Hopefully you guys are down,because its going to be sparkly unicorns and fairy bread around here. You're just going to have to deal with it. 

images from weheartit

I think all of you are pretty freaking awesome too. We should start a club. Want to join? I don't have a tree-house or dirty magazines, or even a dead body to find while coming of age. But we can still have fun. I promise!

I'm just like Yoda and stuff

I was doing morning routine with one of the girls at work. She's nineteen and pretty obstinate. One night she demanded that I open the laundry room at 3am so she could do her laundry. I told her no and to go back to bed. And she decided to try and pick the lock and when that failed (surprise!) she slept on the stone floor in front of the door. She obviously showed me. I didn't have to finish or fold laundry. Damn! And she was real comfortable. Also if she had just asked me nicely I would have done her laundry for her. And we always have to remind her about personal hygiene. She may be nineteen but she presents as probably about twelve or thirteen. If not younger. She is starting college, but she is one of the residents that I just know, will not make it out in the real world. Its sad but true. 

Anyteenager, she sees a bug and in typical helpless girl fashion she shrieks and jumps onto her bed. She demands that I go get the only male staff to kill the bug. I tried really hard not to roll my eyes. I took care of the bug and threw it away. But before I left I told her in all my infinite wisdom.

"Sometimes, in life, you have to kill your own bugs." 

At the time I meant it literally, because she can't live here forever. Eventually she will be  in her own home with no one to kill the bugs for her. But then I thought about it and realized how unintentionally deep I was. (Take that Jack Handey) Sometimes in life you have to do stuff that is gross, scares you, or that you just don't want to deal with. You may shriek and jump up and down at first, but at some point you have to squash the bug and then clean up the mess. 

Right!? I am so wise. I get these deep thoughts while I fold towels. My job is intellectually stimulating. 

What is your deep thought for the day? Let me know, I will soak up all your wisdom and remind myself of it throughout the day. 

image from weheartit

Friday Flashback

Just because my Aunt was posting these on her Facebook tonight. I thought I'd share.

A small mischievous Anastasia and two of my cousins.

You are correct that is a helicopter in my Grandparents backyard. My Grandpa built it himself and it didn't have a door on the passenger side. I clung to the seat for dear life, even though I was buckled in tight. My grandpa also owned a Cessna, that we would use to go to the Island. Its a place right off the coast where they used to train WWII fighters. You can take a metal detector and find old bullets, there's also the crumbling remains of buildings. I don't know if its still there but there also use to be a drug plane that got shot down. My grandparents have a beach house, that I use to spend lots of time at. Being on the island is one of my fondest memories, and I can't wait to bring my girls there too. 

a picture my Dad took on the runway. The little square in the distance is the house.

Didn't mean for this post to have so much back story. What are some of your childhood memories? Some that you'd like to share with your kids?

Oh the corny goodness

My husband grew up in Laredo TX. There's not a whole lot to say about it. I mean I like it, it has a lot of character. And every single person I encountered was great. Even if they spoke only Spanish. I mean they may have been cursing me out, but they sounded really nice about it. 

It also has a lot of heat. And no wind. Hubby's uncle (my uncle in law?) lives in a neighborhood called "Breezes of the Sea." But in fancy Spanish. Yet no breezes or sea to be had.

It also has Heaven in Your Mouth. (that sounds kinda dirty? or maybe I'm just a perv. Or both) Otherwise known as "Corn in a Cup." Its corn off the cob, mixed with crema fresca, butter and topped with queso fresco. Oh the amazing tasty awesomeness. We tried to make it the day we got home. And although our attempt was tasty, it just wasn't the same. Maybe its the hard water or something.

this is my hubs cup. I explained I had to take a picture of it so I could share the awesomeness with the world

He immediately understood. 

I can't describe it and make it sound good. You just have to eat it.  So pack it up and go to Laredo. While you're there you can go into Mexico. Nuevo Laredo is right across the border. But remember to bring your passport because you can't just go across willy nilly anymore.  And with the drug war going on there, (they killed the police chief just a couple weeks hours after he was sworn in) you might want to bring a gun too. Okay, maybe you should just stay on this side of the border, sit in your heavily air conditioned car and eat Corn In  A Cup. You'll thank me. I promise. (for the corn and for not getting kidnapped by a drug cartel) 

Is there a food that you love that some people are grossed out by? What is a comfort food or a food from your culture that you love?

You're my candy girl

We have new additions (get the blog title now? I marvel at my cleverness.) Grandma took in my niece and two nephews, practically since they've been born. Now Grandpa is left to raise them. He has emphysema, a pace maker and blood clot issues. So needless to say he's going to need us for back up. And we are more then happy to do it. But sometimes it feels daunting to wrap my mind around doing things with six kids instead of three.  Grandma always liked the two sides completely separate. We weren't really allowed to say anything to them. But Grandpa has made it clear that he wants the house to be more unified and that they need to start seeing us as as adults as well.  Well mostly me, they'll listen to Hubs, but for some reason I'm chopped meat. The younger ones aren't too bad, but the 14 year old is blatantly rude to me and talks back constantly. So that's going to be fun. Hey it'll be more to blog about right?

So in the interest of clarity, let me introduce you to our newest additions:

 We have Ducky who is 7, and has Obstinate Defiance Disorder. She can be really sweet but just seems to turn into this devil child when she goes to school. My husband and I don't believe in spanking, but when I put her in timeout she just walks away. What then? 

Then there's Christopher who is 10. He's pretty much scared of everything, because his "mom" and "Dad" (i use these terms loosely) use to abuse him. He got locked in a closet and was told to get use to it because he would grow up to be a criminal and this is what jail is like. Seriously. 

And then we have Martin, the aforementioned 14 year old. He was Grandma's favorite, and she always had a blind spot where he was concerned. So he's kind of spoiled. Okay no, he is really really spoiled. He threatened me and got in my face once and they didn't really address it, then he hit Grandpa in the back the next time. So needless to say he has some issues that need to be dealt with.  I refuse to live in my house and be disrespected or threatened, so we have a lot to work on here. 

And then there's their "mom" She lies and manipulates and tells them things, like they don't have to listen to me or Robert, then leaves to go live her life hours away.  And that's when she does visit. Which is like four times a year. She rarely even calls them on their birthday. I miss my kids when I'm at work, I just don't understand her. And the other day she told Grandpa that since Grandma passed she needs to contact the Child Support Office so they'll stop drafting her check. Seriously? But you're still not taking care of them.  Oh the frustration.

I probably won't be posting pictures of them since they aren't technically mine, just to be on the safe side. So there it is..our new additions. I'm sure you'll hear much more about them as we figure it out.

Any advice on having big families? Helping abused children? Dealing with angry teen boys? Or anyone want to pitch in to buy us a passenger van so we can haul every one around? 

Sometimes you just need...

silence and

a creaky porch swing

an empty snow filled street

a reason to look around you

a great book and a cuppa. (my preferred chillaxing method thankyouverymuch)

images from weheartit

This just had to be shared.

ganked from Depressions and Confessions

Vivify

Although I don't consider you strangers

One can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind.  ~Malayan Proverb

Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone.  ~G.B. Stern

 

I can no other answer make, but, thanks, and thanks.  ~William Shakespeare

I feel a very unusual sensation - if it is not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude.  ~Benjamin Disraeli

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. ~ Bernard Meltzer

I just wanted to say thanks for everyone's good wishes and kind words. You guys rock my socks off. Seriously, I am not wearing socks right now. At work!

images from weheartit.com

Hold Me Like You'll Never Let Me Go

Apologizing in advance for the length.

One more sad post about my mother in law. Thank you so much for indulging me. My husband is an amazing writer. I think I've told you before that he has won several film making competition, directing and writing the scripts.  He hasn't been writing much and that makes me sad, because I feel like he is truly talented. I'm not being biased either. Its a relief that he can write really well, because there is nothing worse then reading really terrible poetry or hear badly written songs then try to smile, nod and not hurt their feelings.  Believe me I know.  So I was a little hesitant when he first told me he was a writer, but I read the script he was working on. To my delight (and relief) it was captivating, and made me want to come back for more. Now we just need someone to finance it. Anybody? Anybody?

Back to my point, his mother always believed in his writing. She was the first person he even let read his work and she encouraged him until the very end.

So with his permission I am posting the eulogy he wrote for her:

"What I remember most about my mother is how she had a different name to so many. To some of you she was Irma, to others Letty, but to me she was always Mom, and as a mother she always wanted the best for both my sister and I, often sacrificing personal happiness in order to achieve this goal.
That is something that when I was younger I never really appreciated, but having the privilege of living with her that last eight years in our house, I really got to understand exactly how selfless that made her. She was always gregarious in nature, ready to laugh with you about even the silliest things, opting to find the humor in everything rather then to dwell on the bad. Whenever I would find myself in a crisis, she was always quick to point out everything that I had to be grateful for, never once allowing my disappointments to overtake. As a result, she provided me with the template for the type of parent that I have become, her words always echoing in my mind whenever I'm disappointed with life or my inability to give my children what they want.
Even when life was at its most tumultuous for me she could always find a way to make me smile, because if I sat in sadness for too long, she would adamantly force me to face my demons and pull myself up by my boot straps and get moving. For that, I will spend the rest of my life raising my kids with the same wistful and steadfast tenacity, knowing that anything less will be a disrespect to her. After all, she was the boss, and even my Dad knows, the boss always gets what she wants, all the way to the end.
When she found out two weeks ago that there weren't anymore treatments that could help her, she told the doctors straight up what she wanted and that was how she went, on her own terms, and that was how she lived her life. Thanks to her, she helped shaped my dedication, not only to my family, but to myself, teaching me that life is not a series of events that happen to you, but only what you make of it. So I will spend the rest of my life honoring her by living my life with the same never back down, do what it takes attitude that she filled me with her whole life, and anyone that knew her, knows this to be true. Knows that Letty, Irma, sister, wife, Mom, Grandma is entrenched so deeply in our souls that she will never leave our thought minds and our hearts. We're going to miss you, Mom. I love you. "

Thanks again for indulging me. You guys are the best, seriously.

Really love your peaches

I'd like to update everyone.  My mother in law passed away on Tuesday 7/6. My husband and father in law were with her until the end.  She died at home where she wanted to.

Obviously her and I had our differences but really there was more respect and love then our occasional grumpiness. She had my husband at sixteen. Her mother didn't want her to keep him, and took her to the doctor's office. But Grandma snuck out the window to protect him. And her mom decided that if it was that important to her that she could keep him. I will always be grateful for to her for making that brave decision. Because without him I would only be living a half life.

There are so many stories about her that I would love to share, she saw The Exorcist for the first time while pregnant with Hubby, then took him to see the re-release when it opened. I think this was the start of his obsession with horror movies, beginning in the womb.

She went into labor with him driving up a hill in Laredo, TX. The song "Joker" by The Steve Miller Band was on the radio. We always say that its his and hers song.  Her car stalled out and she had to walk to the hospital. In labor, at sixteen! But what else was she going to do. It had to be done. Just suck it up and start walking. Its okay to cry along the way, but you have to keep walking. That's how she lived her life. She acknowledged that it was hard, but you had to keep going, especially when it came to her children and her grandchildren

She took in her three grandchildren when her mother wouldn't couldn't take care of them and has raised them like a mother. She doted on our children. She wanted to make it to see Bliss born and she did, and would steal her periodically just to soak up some fat, smelly baby love.

She will be missed and our family will celebrate her by living life and raising all her grandchildren the way she would have expected us to.

Thank you for all your previous comments and support.

It doesn't matter

In one of the BlogFrog communities I cam across a thread that broke my heart.

A Grandma wanted to know what she should do because her daughter was letting her 18 month old grandson play with dolls and wear pink, she is concerned that her grandson will be gay. What should she do?

I couldn't believe my eyes. She must be joking. Nope, I read more and now their solution to make sure he doesn't turn gay is to...take him hunting. An 18 month old. Oh yeah that will work. Good I was worried the situation could  leave emotional scars on the kid. Luckily they've got a plan.

She even said that if he did end up being gay she wouldn't speak to him. Seriously!?

Sometimes I feel naive, because when I come across people with this attitude, I'm honestly confused. This is 2010, you really think people can be made to be gay? Or that you can fix someone who is gay?  People are born the way they are born. Deal with it!

It reminded me of when Pea was brand new. One of Hubby's friends asked what we would do if she ended up gay.  It confused me that someone would even have to ask that. 

The answer is emphatically, I will love them. They won't be different to me. I only hope they trust me enough to not hide their life from me. That is it. I don't even expect some big coming out conversation. I don't expect them to tell me if they're straight, why would I expect that if they are gay? And either way I hope we raise them with tolerance and love for other people and an awareness that playing with dolls does not make you gay! And even if it does, who cares!? What an idiot! 

Thanks for listening to my rant. Anything that got your blood boiling this week?

image from weheartit

And now for something completely different

I've never done Ian's Monday Minute. And I know its Tuesday. Shut up.

Who of all your blog friends would you like to meet and/or who have you met?  

I haven't met any, because IRL I am extremely antisocial.  I would love to meet Salt.  She's hilarious. But probably IRL she's amazingly boring. That would be how it went down. We would sit around and watch her cat.

What kind of vehicle(s) do you drive?

We actually sold my car. And we both drive my husbands. A Dodge Neon. I know its mine too, but I can't seem to make myself see it that way. But he promised me I could get  a vespa.  I'm going to find the nerdiest helmet and rock that thing out. 

What kind of cell phone do you have?

A samsung. Cricket.

What's the most annoying thing you wish bloggers would stop doing?

Stop being so incredibly awesome, give a mediocre girl a chance!

Stop apologizing for taking a break or not posting for one day out of 6 months. Live your life, you'll have more to blog about anyway.

What's the one thing that you still have on your bucket list to do before the year is out?

To flip a pancake, omelet or crepe without a spatula. 

the pancakes I will be flipping sans spatula

You can do it late too, or wait for next week. Ian usually puts it up on Sunday nights. So people who are better organized then I can bust it out on the right day.  Have a great week!

Being late is super American

I know it was yesterday. So I hope that you had a great Fourth of July. And don't forget.....

 

What did you guys do? Fireworks? Hot dogs? Imbibing?

Are you a hip mama?

I have always wondered what people think when they see me with the girls.  I hope they see a confident hip mama who has everything under control. But really they probably see me as I am. Barely contained frustration, frazzled mom with the dirty kids. Or maybe they think I'm the nanny?

I use to worry about it a lot more, I use to think people would think I was a bad mom. But I've learned that everyone has those moments. The kid whose been potty trained for over a year, out of nowhere has an accident and you didn't bring any extra clothes.  Your toddler throws a fit in the restaurant because you are trying to get them to actually eat what they ordered! And people are always going to judge.That's the one constant of parenting.

I reread a book recently that I bought when I was pregnant with Pea. The Hip Mama Survival Guide. Its written by Ariel Gore who started the 'zine Hip Mama. She also has a blog. I love this book because it caters to all kinds of moms.  She gives  advice, from how to balance your being "Mommy", but also being you. And even advice for woman who (god forbid) have to go through a custody battle. Sometimes its hard not to compare yourself with those moms who look like they have it all together. Trust me I know this. But its nice to hear that someone else is struggling, who has kids who throw temper tantrums, and can still take it in stride. 

She talks about how you have to go with the flow, like when your kid throws a temper tantrum and goes limp when you try and pick them up. Just think that they'll be really great at a protest. Things like that make me love this book. So go check it out, especially if your having an "I'm a terrible mom day."

How do you want to be seen as a mom? What keeps you sane during a temper tantrum?

pictures from wehearit and amazon

Just need to get this down.

Grandma (my MIL) told us that she was in remission. We were confused though because she had hospice and they were giving her things like liquid morphine. But we hoped that she was, maybe,  a special case?  I know.  Oh there's some sand, I should bury my head in it. Last week we found out that she is terminal, and that her kidneys have shut down. And that she knew all along this would happen.

I don't know what to do. I've cried a little, but I'm in shock. I worry that my husband is going to think I don't care or I'm not reacting right. I want to be there for my husband and Grandpa. And that's what I plan on doing. I ask my husband if he's okay and I immediately regret when I say it. Of course he's not fucking okay. Who am I trying to comfort? Him or me?

They gave Grandma her last rites yesterday. I'm not remotely religious but she wanted everyone in the room. I explained to Pea that a man was going to come talk to Grandma and it may be sad. But it was okay to be sad and that Daddy and I would be there. She went and held Grandma and Daddy's hand during the Lord's Prayer, like she knew they needed her. She had to let go for a minute to get her wedgie out, of course. 

I want her at the funeral. I know that's a hard decision for most parents, but really it's not a question for me. I don't want her to think Grandma disappeared and I feel like I always want to be honest with her and let her experience life. My husband agrees. 

I just don't know what to say, and I don't want to say the wrong thing. I feel like we are all living in stasis. Just waiting for what will happen next. Waiting to take the next breath.

Dare you not to sing along.

It's so much lighter then I thought it would be

Oh look! I got another award. Again, mostly because I'm fantastic. And because my blog is beautiful. Obviously. Laura at the Purse Blogger gave it to me. I love her blog and she makes purses. Not just like little knitted ones, but full on purses! Go check her out.

So I'm supposed to tell seven things about myself.  I threw in some pictures to jazz it up a bit. (What is with the number 7 in blog awards? Its some religious conspiracy. I know it is. But that won't stop me from accepting them!)

 1. I am just a smidgen shy of 5'6. I still write down 5'6.

 2. I love to make lists

 3. My favorite number is 10

 this picture makes me think he's a good dad.

4. I just realized the other day I have never seen Risky Business.

 5. My favorite month is October

 Way too cute.

 6. My mp3 player wears a sock.

Okay no picture of this, I just want you imagine the awesomeness and then take me out for lunch!

7. I am seriously craving a fried shrimp taco with chipotle sauce and cabbage and lime. Ahh!

all pictures from weheartit.

And of course I am now supposed to give it to 7 people. Most of these people don't accept awards, but I still want you to go check them out. Okay? Okay.

1. Wicked Whimsy-a fellow Austinite with a fantastic fashion sense

2. Whiskeymarie- she's pretty damn funny I have to say. 

3.  What's for Lunch at Our House- She makes the most amazing meals. Inspiring me to ditch PB and J.

4. Vixen Vintage-she is gorgeous, and has great vintage style and photographs

5.  Unknown Mami-  She may be unknown, but trust me you want to get to know her.

6. Unexpected Surprises-a really sweet blog about a single lady trying to raise her little.

7. Under Lock and Key- really beautiful photographs.